6710 Grand

 I saw an interview transcript with Michelle Williams where she said something akin to 'you can't be great at both being a mom and a career woman'.  She said when you're at work you're thinking about your kids and when you're home with your kids you're thinking about all the work that's not being done.  Some people commented that she was just making a statement about priorities and a LOT of people agreed with her completely. The whole thing just made me really mad.  Really mad .  For 2 reasons. But I'll get to that.  Perhaps being an actress where your job takes you away from your family for months at a time and you have what I can only assume is a grueling schedule, followed by interviews and talk shows to promote the movies you're in, and then bouncing back into home life where you can then focus only on your kids is hard.  I wouldn't know.  I have no doubt that's hard.  I would never presume to understand the life of a Hollywood actre...

May-cember.  It’s becoming more recognized among parents of school-aged children.  The month of May is so crammed with activities that it resembles December—but with none of the fun of Christmas.  Performances, end of year parties, tournaments, concerts, graduation, graduation parties, dentist appointments, annual physicals, standardized tests, due dates, Mother’s Day, birthdays, Cinco de Mayo, Endangered Species Day, World Day for Cultural Diversity… the list seems endless.  There’s so much to do for the kids and their insane schedules, not to mention all that I’m doing for work—grant deadlines, promote summer camp, spring appeal, grant reports, meetings, annual reviews, contract negotiations—and home—renew pest control, renew lawn maintenance, plant flowers, tend to flower beds, mow the lawn, oil change on the mower, figure out why the composter isn’t working, clean the carpets, balance the checkbook, pay the taxes, renew the Costco membership, plan the graduation ...

 The sun has set, but it's not quite evening.  I'm still in my workday and I still have work to do.  Today, my task is to write a heart wrenching letter, seeking support from the thousands of humans who support the work of Indraloka.  To inspire them to help continue this work of hope, healing, compassion, and joy.  Nick is away.  The children are home but (presumably) occupied with their own tasks.   I sit down to write. Blank Blank Blank My desk is too messy.  I need a clear, distraction free work zone.  I tidy the desk and sit back down. The white page stares back at me, a blinking curser it's only movement. It's too quiet.  I put on the playlist I created that keeps me in a "fall" mood.  Carefully selected tracks of Bruce Hornsby, George Winston, Amber Run, Yanni, Hozier, and Shaboozy (ok, it's not fall--just a really FUN song!) fill my audible space.  I take a deep breath and dive into inspiration. But it doesn't come...

Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Ok, now I’m not quite so frustrated or angry anymore. Let me explain: I don’t like to brag, so I’m not bragging.   I am a highly educated, highly qualified, professional non-profit fundraiser.   I have 2 bachelor’s degrees, an executive MBA, and a certificate in fundraising management.   My brain is worth $200,000 and I have the student debt to prove it.   I have been doing what I’m doing for nearly 20 years.   I’ve raised tens of millions of dollars for national and local organizations.   All that to say, I know what I’m doing.   And yet, every so often, I recognize that it’s helpful to get an outsider’s opinion.   Someone who’s never heard of me or my organization.   Someone who has experience in a different area of business or fundraising or non-profit management.   I don’t pretend to know it all.   I felt this way about my recent effort to seek corporate support for our ...

 God is my salvation.  I will trust and not be afraid.  Isaiah 12:2 Success is important to me.   Success in work, parenting, marriage, life in general—I want to be successful.   I work hard at it, sometimes making unrealistic demands of myself.   I set a goal (to burn 1500 calories a day more than I eat; to bake 25 kinds of Christmas cookies during the busiest season of the year; to raise $2500 every day for my organization—because that’s what we spend; to not get frustrated with my kids) and push push push to get it done.   Sometimes I make it (a lot of times actually) and sometimes I don’t.   When I do, I feel good—like I can take on more and keep it going.   But when I don’t, I internalize the failure.   I forget that sometimes the goal isn’t realistic or that there are things beyond my control that keep me from hitting a target.   It’s never easy when it doesn’t work out the way I see it in my head. Sometimes I forget that ...

She sat next to me for 3 hours as we drove together.  I’d never spent so much time with a live chicken before.  Peggy O, as she’d been named, wasn’t going to make it.  We all knew it.  Maybe she knew it too.  She was an elderly bird—one we’d rescued years before.  She’d lived a long and happy life—much longer and happier than anyone might have expected.  But now, her leg was in such pain that her quality of life was almost nothing.  She was in constant pain and there was nothing more that could be done for her.  She needed her pain eased.   The only way to do that was to end her life.   But that, it seemed, was easier said than done.   I’ve had dogs and cats—dogs that needed to be similarly released and a cat whose life ended very suddenly and without explanation.   It’s never easy, but it’s also not hard—not like this was.   Peggy was hurting.   But there was no veterinarian who would see her—they just don’t...

It’s 4:33 and the sunrise alarm clock that is supposed to wake me up naturally is blaring orange light into my bedroom.  I have no idea how to turn it off because the 946 page instruction manual remains unread in my “to read” folder.  But it doesn’t matter.  Ike is crying and it’s time to get up anyway.  I pry myself out of bed, throw on my gym clothes and head downstairs.  The coffee pot is brewing.   I debate having a cup before my run but as I diaper my baby and snuggle him back to bed I know it’s not a smart choice.   One cup leads to seven and that means my morning run won’t happen.   And it MUST happen. Baby is back down for at least another hour so I head to the basement where my office and gym are waiting for me.   I’m immediately reminded of the things I meant to finish last night but didn’t and am momentarily tempted to tackle them now.   No.   You MUST run.   I open the windows in the gym and turn on two fans. ...

I've been trying to post for days.  Something keeps getting in the way.  A grant deadline is moved up to get funding out to non-profits faster (good!).  An unexpected sunny day means working outside (good!).  Ike falling asleep eating his lunch and nap time comes early (not really good, but definitely funny!).  Iris needs help getting some strange app that is suddenly required and my tablet is the only place she can get it (not good.)  I'm sidetracked by the latest report on COVID-19 (not good.)  But finally now, it's quiet and peaceful and I have sometime to write down what I'm thinking and feeling...and I find I just don't know where to start.  At the start (for me) I was annoyed with 2 weeks at home with my kids but tried to look on the bright side and actually though I'd get a lot of reading done (um, no.).  But now two weeks has stretched into 6 (at least) and I'm not only missing my usual birthday hoopla but also Easter, spring break,...

I went to the dentist yesterday.  A cavity.  Humph.  Haven't had one of those since...well I can't remember when.  It's never pleasant going to the dentist and I'm sure they all realize that everyone hates them (not them personally  but in the same way dogs hate the vet.  Anyway...).  As I was sitting in the chair waiting for the novocain to take effect, my dentist strikes up a conversation.  "How's the family?"  We all go to the same dentist, so she really does know everyone.  "Kids all staying healthy?" "Oh yes.  Only one ear infection so far this year and I can't really blame that on the weather--just being a baby." "He must be almost one now, right?" "Yep.  One about two weeks ago." "Wow.  And your husband is a pilot right?" "Yep." "Now, how does that work?  He's gone a few days and then home a few?" We chat about the logistics of managing all of that.  How gr...