Working Mom's Manifesto

 I saw an interview transcript with Michelle Williams where she said something akin to 'you can't be great at both being a mom and a career woman'.  She said when you're at work you're thinking about your kids and when you're home with your kids you're thinking about all the work that's not being done.  Some people commented that she was just making a statement about priorities and a LOT of people agreed with her completely.

The whole thing just made me really mad.  Really mad.  For 2 reasons.

But I'll get to that.  Perhaps being an actress where your job takes you away from your family for months at a time and you have what I can only assume is a grueling schedule, followed by interviews and talk shows to promote the movies you're in, and then bouncing back into home life where you can then focus only on your kids is hard.  I wouldn't know.  I have no doubt that's hard.  I would never presume to understand the life of a Hollywood actress.  But part of me is pretty sure Ms. Williams has no idea what most working moms do (and yes, EVERY mom works).  A lot of us don't get the option to do one or the other.  I couldn't have afforded to freeze my eggs like Natalie Portman did so she could focus on work until she was 40, but then again, my career doesn't have the short shelf life of a woman in the film industry.  In fact, many in my industry value a few "grey hairs" as much as any experience.  But neither did I "plan" to be a mom.  Sure, I wanted kids, but they did NOT come on a schedule or according to any of my plans.  There are plenty of women who want kids, but they never come.  Plenty who don't want kids and end up with them anyway. Kids come or don't.  Yes,
you can try to avoid them and yes you can try to have them but really, try is all any of us can do (unless of course your baby making parts don't work or you have them surgically removed).

Back to the reasons this made me mad:

1. Uh, YES you CAN!  I am a great mom.  I am a great fundraiser.  Perfect?  No, but really, there's no definition of perfect for either one.  Too many humans involved.  Were I to quit my job and stay home with my kids, I would be terrible at both.  The stay-at-home mom life is not for me.  I admire the women who do it and even more, the ones who enjoy it.  I would be miserable, but that doesn't mean I don't love my kids or want to spend time with them.  Just like taking a vacation or an afternoon off work doesn't mean I don't love my job.  There are few things I can do constantly without ever getting tired of it (reading maybe, but even that--I'd have to stop for lunch and sleep at some point.  Ok, drinking coffee.  I pretty much can do that non-stop.).

When I'm at work, I'm not usually thinking about my kids.  I'm trusting that the adults in charge of them have it covered--there's nothing to worry about because they're in good hands.  Now that all 4 of them are in school, it's even better.  I KNOW they're doing appropriate things and progressing as humans.  In daycare, I'd worry more that they'd get sick or if I was pumping enough breastmilk to satisfy their insatiable hunger (Ike especially).  I can't say it works the same in reverse--I DO think about work when I'm at home.  It's often the distance from that day that lets me think through a problem and find a solution.  Who among us hasn't had an amazing breakthrough in the shower?  Or at 2am when the brain just won't turn off?

2. No one ever says this kind of thing about fatherhood.  Why do we never say that a man can't be a great dad and a great pilot/CEO/mail carrier, firefighter, police officer/banker/accountant/zoo keeper/senator/president/etc.?  Why must women choose?  Why are men not given an option?  I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that Nick is torn between the two worlds he straddles.  When he's at work, he leaves home (mostly) behind.  He does not have to manage track schedules, bill payments, lawn mowing, laundry, or most household chores.  He WILL sit in on parent/teacher conferences when possible and schedule doctor's appointments but even in doing so, his work schedule is immovable.  He HAS to work around that.  No one EVER expects him to come home from a trip because Bebo has a fever and needs to be picked up.  Even if I'm 2 hours away in Scranton, I am expected to cancel my meetings, drive like a maniac, and end my work day.  Would roles be reversed if I were the pilot?  Probably.  At least to an extent (no one would ever tell Nick that he needs to find more time to pump breast milk, but I'd pay good money to see them try.).

Every month when he sits down to bid his schedule, he asks me which days I need him home.  Many months, there are none.  But some (May-cember!) are filled with days that he doesn't want to miss or that I really need to make work my #1 focus.  ThanksLiving is Indraloka's biggest fundraiser of the year--I NEED to be available.  The Phoenixville VegFest is the biggest one in my area.  I'm the most practical member of our team to manage it.  NEPA Gives, Giving Tuesday, Transformative Ties--the list of MUST BE PRESENT AND FOCUSED work events is long.  But what happens if he can't get them off?  I'm expected to manage.  I'm expected to pivot.  His work schedule trumps (sorry) everything.  It is the immovable force.  Everything else is second.

I asked Nick what he would do if I were the major breadwinner, how would he manage if I had days I needed him to be available and no schedule option would allow it.  With little thought he said "I would resign".  I was very surprised.  And then, amazed, touched, and even more deeply in love.  I have a rare gem.  I know this.  For 11 years of our marriage, I WAS the major breadwinner.  It was on me to make ends meet while he built up his hours.  But HIS career was still the focus.  Probably because in no world ever would a non-profit professional EVER out earn a pilot.  He had the earning potential.  It made sense for us to prioritize his ability to progress (no complaints!  I got PLENTY of career advancements.)

But we are not a typical partnership.  Most married couples do NOT have this scenario.  At least, I don't think so.  So, Michelle, what exactly are us workin' gals supposed to do, according to you?

No, really, I don't care.  I don't care what you think.  I know that your reality is NOT my reality (and that's OK).  You have NO idea what I deal with.  So please--when next you give an interview, please don't try to speak for all working moms.  Speak for yourself.  Speak for your family.  Understand that maybe many of us are doing our very best...and CRUSHING it as a mom and a career woman.  Maybe we are the STRONG women we want our daughters to emulate.  Maybe WE--not YOU--are the example.  Because we are the typical majority of working moms who didn't have a choice but are doing our very best and quite proud of the women, moms, and professionals that we are.