Selfcare vs. Superhero

 So, which is it?

Am I a Superhero or do I prioritize Self Care?


Ugh.

There's no good answer.  I've been reading a book on leadership.  The author talks about successful leaders who push and push and persevere and have late nights, and lots of coffee (I'm on board with this) and just get. it. done.

But all of that, I contrast with the message of take care of yourself.  Give yourself a break. Cut yourself some slack.  Don't prioritize work over family.

So, which one do I do?  How do I find the balance?

Spoiler alert:  I don't have the answer.

One of my greatest personal challenges is a struggle with perfectionism.  I often default to "anything less than perfection is failure".  It's something I place on myself--not others.  I make it a goal to run for 40 minutes every weekday.  Yesterday I only got in 20.  I just ran out of time.  But...

I should have gotten started earlier.  

I shouldn't have had that second cup of coffee.  


I should have gotten up at 4:20--not 4:30 like a lazy person.

I have a goal to read 3 books every week.  One that's fiction, one that's non-fiction but specifically something that will really broaden my perspective or help me be a better fundraiser, and one that helps deepen my faith or learn more about God.  Last week, I only finished 2.

I should have been reading in the mornings instead of scrolling through Facebook.

I should have listened to my book in the car on the way to Scranton.

I should have brought my book to my friend's kid's birthday party and read while I watched the kids play.

These are just 2 examples.  I have a daily to-do list of 50 things--25 for work and 25 for me.  It includes things most people probably don't have to put on a list to do (floss, drink 3 liters of water, take my vitamins) but also the things that, if I do them consistently, I hope to see a real difference (meditation, yoga, practicing the piano for 10 minutes).  With each unchecked item, comes a self-scolding.  I never--EVER--get them all done.

The self-care narrative says, do your best, but don't beat yourself up.  Give yourself grace.  No one is perfect.  But the superhero says, PUSH!  Do you want results or don't you?  You'll never be able to do the splits, a pull-up, fit into those "skinny jeans" if you don't stick. to. the. plan!

They're both right.  Right?  The scary part is I'm seeing this mentality play out in one of my daughters.  I won't tell you which one.  But if you know her well, you can probably guess.

Nick reminded me of something he recently read in a book by Arnold Schwarzenegger.  He said that he learned about failure in body building.  Every day, you work towards failure.  Muscle failure was the goal.  That was the only way you knew you were doing all you could--you lift until you can't lift anymore.  No one would call Arnold a failure (but go ahead and try--I dare you).


God reminded me of something during today's run.  After about 20 minutes at what has been my starting pace (about 4.2mph--I'm not fast), I felt my legs just slugging through.  I felt heavy.  Tired.  Like there was no way I was going to make it to 40 minutes.  The self-scolding began immediately--even before I stopped running.  

What is WRONG with you?  This isn't HARD.  You USED to run at a 5.1 for 36 minutes.  Why haven't you gotten back to THAT?

And then I turned off the stopwatch and slowed to a 3.3.  I took a deep breath and just walked.  For about 4 or 5 minutes, I walked.  And then, I felt better, so I started to run.  I sped up the treadmill and ran.  At a 4.2.  For 20 more minutes.  

You didn't fail.  You just needed a break.

I didn't fail.  I just needed a break.  That was God speaking.  I'm sure of it.

So many times, I find myself needing a break.  A break from momming.  From the stress of constantly thinking about work and raising enough money.  From being around other people.  From the ever-present judging that comes with parenting/veganism/Christianity.  This sense that someone (other than God) is watching and noticing every flaw.  

Did you REALLY just yell at your kid?  

How could you let your kids go outside without a COAT/GLOVES/HAT?  

Do your kids just not have matching socks?

Are you too poor to get your kids smartphones?

Did you check the label to make sure there's no milk/eggs/honey in that bun?

How can you order your kids food off the kids' menu when there are no vegan choices?  I can't believe you even go out to eat at all.

I thought Christians HAD to go to church every Sunday.  

What do you mean you don't like the worship service?  How can you not like the singing?

No one actually SAYS any of these things.  And if they did, boy would I have an answer!

Yes, I yell at my kids.  It's the only way I can be sure they heard me.

Teenagers cannot admit they own a coat.  It is social suicide.  I have given up the fight.

I'm not sure if my kids have matching socks.  And I don't really care.

We have carefully chosen when to graduate our teens from flip to smart phones.

I didn't check the label.  I should have but I didn't.  It was the only bread option, and I didn't want to go bunless on my veggie burger.  

My kids make their own food choices.

Sometimes I watch the service on YouTube--at twice the speed.  And I skip past the singing.

I. DO. NOT. LIKE. TO. SING. IN. CHURCH.  I'm working on a whole other blog post about that.

Deep breath.  Heaving sigh.

I have never had to seriously defend any of these choices.  I accept these "failures" in the minds of others.  Why then, can I not accept them in my own eyes?  I don't know.  I'm working on it.  I'm working on wearing my cape, rips and stains showing, despite the mending and scrubbing.  I can only hope that when I see another self-caring superhero out there with a rip or two that if I notice, I either offer them my needle and thread or show them my own.


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